Arrangements have been made for a private family service and cremation for tomorrow morning. There will be visitation at the Westview Funeral Chapel, 709 Wonderland Rd North, London, from 6.00 to 9.oopm on Wednesday 10th September.

Dear friends,
Lachlan died at 10.15pm on Monday 8th September 2008. He died at home with Ikuko and his parents at his side.
At Lachlan's request the cremation will be immediate and it will be a private service for his family. There will be a visitation at a funeral home after. Please no phone calls for now.

So weak and thin.

I lay down on a futon on the floor to avoid having my head in the direct sun. But, I was too weak to get up off the floor into my real bed. When I first came back into this house after 2 1/2 weeks as an inpatient, I thought it was premature a bit to house me on the ground floor, but in retrospect I haven't been able to tackle stairs in days. So that was a wise move.

I am sitting up now typing this because the horizontal position, while causing pain, does cause a lot more nausea. So I threw up my attempted intake of food today Boost(tm) and Ensure (tm) and Gatorade (tm) and Blueberries (tm) and Water (tm)... I started taking an under-the-tongue drug to fight this & hiccups (which are a huge problem for me) with the side effect of making me sleepy.

In light of all of this, please don't call - I won't bother to answer I just don't have the energy to talk. I like getting all the emails, but even then it may take weeks for me to respond - if ever. Sorry everyone.

Turn for the worse.

I am now on the pain killer pump. It pumped into a small needle into my chest. Yesterday was very hard. The nurse didn't think the pump was working, so we had to order another one, and then wait to connect it.

Threw up a lot in one go just before the nurse arrived - lots of burning acid - despite not having eaten all day, which goes to show how much had backed up into my stomach.

My bile is leaking out into gauze dressing, at quite a rapid rate now. It is also very painful there where the tube enters the skin.

When I lay on my back, I hiccup all the time, and I feel like burping, but I can't and this sometimes leads to throwing up in my mouth.

And, just for the icing on the cake I now have a DVT (blood clot) in my left leg. I can only cross my fingers that it doesn't move into my lungs again.

Finally, right now I am going all the way across town again to the hospital to get an ultrasound. And i might get tapped - meaning drain fluid - I don't know.

Pain

The bloating/Ascites is as bad now as it ever was. Yesterday I spend the whole day horizontal mostly, because it is more comfortable that way. Today seems much the same so far. I will try to make this post brief, s oI can go lay down again. So, sorry to those who have emailed me and I have no written back.

My GP is trying to organize a pain pump for me, basically morphine on tap. I'm not sure if I want it because it will mean being tethered to a device. The plus is, I suppose, that it is one less goddamn pill for my failing liver to try convert into my bloodstream. Also it allows the pain control to be faster and more efficient.

My whole sense of taste is gone. Everything that even has a touch of salt in it seems way too salty to handle eating. Really nothing tastes as it should anymore. I get cravings for food, and then when i try them that always disappoint. I am hungry and thirsty at times, but as soon as I eat or drink my bloating gets that much more painful which pushes a strong negative feedback not to consume anything at all. On Sunday, I was not too bad, although I didn't eat much all day until dinner. Yesterday was terrible.

I feel I am in a small sailing boat in the ocean, with the mast broken, with storms and waves tossing me about in the dark. I have no idea if I will die this week or in 5 months, or even that tiny hope that I will recover (If the Tarceva is doing anything useful). This limbo and not knowing is hard. It wears me down.

I am signing up for Expected Death in the Home (EDITH) - staying at home is my strong preference. After that there is a palliative hospital called Parkwood which I would prefer over being in the actual hospital. Staying in the hospital has become torture for me - I will fight as much as I can to avoid it.

Sorry that this post has been depressing. I am going to lay down now.

Better than yesterday.

The bloating in my abdomen is back in a big way, but the pain from the tube change is subsiding. Overall, today is better than yesterday. I am still feeling quite bad.

On Thursday, they wanted to keep me overnight (at least) at the hospital to make sure I wasn't going to bleed to death. But I refused, and had to sign a waver form. I am so sick of staying in hospitals, I felt that I would rather take the risk and go home. And, for once, everything turned out ok (so far). My GP made a house call and took a blood sample yesterday evening, and my hemoglobin was about 120 - had I had an internal bleed, it would have dropped even lower. As a precaution, on Thursday, I set the alarm a few times for the middle of the night to make sure I wasn't getting dizzy or weak.

Alive, at home

Just a quick note to say I am alive at home. I had the tube change yesterday - which was needed as it was mostly blocked - it flushes much easier now with no resistance. My bilirubin was up over 500. I was at the hospital for 12 hours, and they wanted to keep me overnight because my hemoglobin dropped from 114 to 84. I refused to stay - I could not bear a night in hospital. I have hit a wall. So, I had to sign a special form for that. Right now I am in quite a lot of pain. Despite the discomfort (understatement) - signs seem to indicate that I am ok. I will write more tomorrow about details if I have the energy.